This is what I always refer to my break cycles as. Let's face it, I always gain some kind of weight while I'm cycling. Or, if I'm losing weight while cycling, I gain it all back the first few days after a negative. I'm still trying to get completely out of my funk. I have good days and bad days. Today happens to be a good day, but that's because I have fun things planned for the entire weekend. On my bad days, when I'm reminded that I'm still not pregnant, I'm also reminded of the fact that I have gained 10lbs since I got married. Now, on some people, 10 lbs is not a big deal. However, I am about 5'1-5'2…so 10 lbs means that none of my clothes even fit anymore. It's depressing, and add that to the fact that I'm dealing with IF failure, and it's hard to feel good about myself.
So, (and this time I mean it), I will lose at least 5lbs before I start cycling again. Once I get back from my fun filled weekend, I will be working out at least 3xs a week. That means either getting my butt to the gym or running at least 2 miles on the treadmill at home. I can't be on a downward spiral with my weight and my IF…it would just be too hard to pull myself out of that.
If anyone wants to be my workout buddy, leave a comment. I could use the support. I also made an appointment with a trainer at my gym (mainly to just have someone tell me what weight machines I should be using and how to use them). That appointment is on October 10, so I'll be on my own until then.
Good luck to everyone reading this that is trying to lose weight while going through IF. It's a bitch!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
What a Difference a Few Days Make!
Well, we got official notice on Saturday that our ivf cycle didn't work. I grieved pretty much the entire weekend, and was a little depressed yesterday (Monday). And, as I expected, I'm starting to feel better now.
Yes, being proactive is truly the only way I can survive in the world of infertility. Since my negative beta, I have already requested copies of my medical records. I have made a phone consultation with CCRM for October 12; requested ivf cycle information from Cornell; posted several questions on SIRM's website, and started doing some research on possible tests to run, protocols to try, etc. And, I feel 100% better. I have a game plan. I have a list of possibilities. And with those possibilities, come renewed hope. Yes, I found my optimism again. Now, I'm still jaded, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. That's all I needed...just a little bit of hope.
After doing my research (mostly through SIRM's website), I have realized the Mark and I have barely scratched the surface with ivf possibilities. Very comforting. As long as we still have $$, and Mark assures me that we still have enough for another 5 cycles, then I will move forward.
Yes, being proactive is truly the only way I can survive in the world of infertility. Since my negative beta, I have already requested copies of my medical records. I have made a phone consultation with CCRM for October 12; requested ivf cycle information from Cornell; posted several questions on SIRM's website, and started doing some research on possible tests to run, protocols to try, etc. And, I feel 100% better. I have a game plan. I have a list of possibilities. And with those possibilities, come renewed hope. Yes, I found my optimism again. Now, I'm still jaded, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. That's all I needed...just a little bit of hope.
After doing my research (mostly through SIRM's website), I have realized the Mark and I have barely scratched the surface with ivf possibilities. Very comforting. As long as we still have $$, and Mark assures me that we still have enough for another 5 cycles, then I will move forward.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Big Fat Failure!
Well, it's official, IVF #5 ended negatively. I had a little bit of spotting on Friday morning, and I tested on a hpt Friday night. The test was stark white. Mark and I decided that I would just go in for my beta test on Saturday morning. It was no surprise when the nurse called and said "I'm sorry."
Yesterday was hard. We had our families over for Rosh Hashannah dinner. I guess in some ways, being so focused on getting everything ready helped to not break down. My nieces and nephew were over last night and it just reminded me of how badly I too want a family.
I think this failure hit Mark harder than the others. This was the one that was supposed to work. We traveled to Mexico for LIT, I was drug free for the transfer, I did acupuncture, and yet, it still didn't work. We definitely need some answers.
I have to wait until October 8, to meet with our RE again. At this point, I have to insist on some additional testing. I mean, there is a definite problem here. We can't just be that unlucky 5 times. I'm also a bit disappointed with my last half fresh cycle. I only stimmed for 7 days, which might have contributed to the issue.
Regardless, this is going to be a very hard week for me. I seem to be fine by night time, but every morning that I get up, I'm reminded that I'm still not pregnant, and I can barely get out of bed. I guess the key is to just keep very busy. I can start exercising again, and we are hanging out with good friends next weekend. I'm also giving up acupuncture, as it clearly is not the answer for me.
If anyone reading this has dealt with IVF failures, please post on ways that you are coping. I'm always up for suggestions.
Yesterday was hard. We had our families over for Rosh Hashannah dinner. I guess in some ways, being so focused on getting everything ready helped to not break down. My nieces and nephew were over last night and it just reminded me of how badly I too want a family.
I think this failure hit Mark harder than the others. This was the one that was supposed to work. We traveled to Mexico for LIT, I was drug free for the transfer, I did acupuncture, and yet, it still didn't work. We definitely need some answers.
I have to wait until October 8, to meet with our RE again. At this point, I have to insist on some additional testing. I mean, there is a definite problem here. We can't just be that unlucky 5 times. I'm also a bit disappointed with my last half fresh cycle. I only stimmed for 7 days, which might have contributed to the issue.
Regardless, this is going to be a very hard week for me. I seem to be fine by night time, but every morning that I get up, I'm reminded that I'm still not pregnant, and I can barely get out of bed. I guess the key is to just keep very busy. I can start exercising again, and we are hanging out with good friends next weekend. I'm also giving up acupuncture, as it clearly is not the answer for me.
If anyone reading this has dealt with IVF failures, please post on ways that you are coping. I'm always up for suggestions.
Monday, September 14, 2009
This 2 Week Wait Sucks!!!
I'm having a rough week, and it's only Monday. I have no symptoms other than the likely side effects from the drugs that I'm on. I've convinced myself that this 5th ivf cycle, where we tried so many new things, just didn't work. Where do we go from here? Should we seriously consider adoption at this point? The thought of giving up though, makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of getting another negative beta result is making me sick to my stomach.
I'm losing weight. Normally, that's a good thing. However, I lost a couple of pounds during the 2ww of my last ivf cycle, and that turned out to be a big failure. I really don't know how much more of this my sanity can take. Seriously. Any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated.
I'm losing weight. Normally, that's a good thing. However, I lost a couple of pounds during the 2ww of my last ivf cycle, and that turned out to be a big failure. I really don't know how much more of this my sanity can take. Seriously. Any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise ; - )
I had my FET on Tuesday morning. I woke up and Mark and I had "relations" per the doctor's orders. Nothing like sex on demand. Hee hee. I showered, and then started to drink my water. They recommend that you drink 32 ounces of water before your transfer. The rationale being that since it's an abdominal u/s, they get a better shot of your uterus. Well, since I think my bladder is the size of a pea, I drank about 8 ounces before acupuncture.
After that, we were off to my acupuncture appointment. There have been studies suggesting that acupuncture pre and post transfer will result in higher pregnancy rates. Well, we left the house in plenty of time, and we encountered way too many construction detours. We wound up driving around in a big circle just to get to the office. I got there about 20 minutes late. So, I had a very quick treatment.
From there, we drove literally around the corner to get to the dr's office by 10am for my 10:30 transfer. After sitting in the waiting area for 15 minutes (and having drank maybe another 8 ounces of water), I was dying. I went to the bathroom. About 20 minutes later, they took us back to the "closet" to change our clothes and get ready for the transfer. I drank probably another 4 ounces of water. So figure, I had a total of 20 ounces. Mark put on his yellow gown, shower cap, and booties. I had a way too big blue gown, shower cap, and booties. We both looked like we could work in a high school cafeteria. I also got my valium. I had one for last transfer, and I didn't notice any difference.
We were then taken back to the transfer room and told that the dr. would be there shortly, she was just finishing up with a retrieval. The nurse came in and asked if I had to go the bathroom. I said yes. Ok, that's 2 times already. Then, the nurse left and we were just sitting there in the transfer room. The embryologist came in to tell us that we would be transferring 3 embryos that morning, and gave us a picture. We had a 6, 7, and 8 celled embryo. Mark nicknamed them, you guessed it, 6, 7, and 8. Then the embryologist left. I had to go to the bathroom again. Afraid that the nurse would tell me I couldn't, I snuck out to use the bathroom for the 3rd time. Ten minutes later the nurse came in to say that the dr. would be in shortly (and this time she said she meant it) and asked if I needed to go again. So yes, I went for the 4th time. Finally, the ultrasound tech came in to make sure I had a full bladder for the transfer. I thought she would tell me that I had to drink more water. NOPE, I still had a full bladder. So, you guessed it, back to the bathroom for the 5th time!!!
The transfer itself went well. The valium had kicked in, and once it was determined that due to my tricky cervix, a rigid catheter needed to be used, we transferred 6,7,8.
After the transfer, I used the bedpan…so I guess that's a total of 6 times by now. Hee hee. I had to lay on the table for an additional 30 minutes. Mark then dropped me off at acupuncture again. I had a longer session this time, and even passed out on the table. Then, we proceeded home where I was couch bound for 2 whole days.
I go in for my beta pregnancy test on September 21, but I will be testing at home on the 20th. Please cross everything that the 5th shot is the lucky one!!
After that, we were off to my acupuncture appointment. There have been studies suggesting that acupuncture pre and post transfer will result in higher pregnancy rates. Well, we left the house in plenty of time, and we encountered way too many construction detours. We wound up driving around in a big circle just to get to the office. I got there about 20 minutes late. So, I had a very quick treatment.
From there, we drove literally around the corner to get to the dr's office by 10am for my 10:30 transfer. After sitting in the waiting area for 15 minutes (and having drank maybe another 8 ounces of water), I was dying. I went to the bathroom. About 20 minutes later, they took us back to the "closet" to change our clothes and get ready for the transfer. I drank probably another 4 ounces of water. So figure, I had a total of 20 ounces. Mark put on his yellow gown, shower cap, and booties. I had a way too big blue gown, shower cap, and booties. We both looked like we could work in a high school cafeteria. I also got my valium. I had one for last transfer, and I didn't notice any difference.
We were then taken back to the transfer room and told that the dr. would be there shortly, she was just finishing up with a retrieval. The nurse came in and asked if I had to go the bathroom. I said yes. Ok, that's 2 times already. Then, the nurse left and we were just sitting there in the transfer room. The embryologist came in to tell us that we would be transferring 3 embryos that morning, and gave us a picture. We had a 6, 7, and 8 celled embryo. Mark nicknamed them, you guessed it, 6, 7, and 8. Then the embryologist left. I had to go to the bathroom again. Afraid that the nurse would tell me I couldn't, I snuck out to use the bathroom for the 3rd time. Ten minutes later the nurse came in to say that the dr. would be in shortly (and this time she said she meant it) and asked if I needed to go again. So yes, I went for the 4th time. Finally, the ultrasound tech came in to make sure I had a full bladder for the transfer. I thought she would tell me that I had to drink more water. NOPE, I still had a full bladder. So, you guessed it, back to the bathroom for the 5th time!!!
The transfer itself went well. The valium had kicked in, and once it was determined that due to my tricky cervix, a rigid catheter needed to be used, we transferred 6,7,8.
After the transfer, I used the bedpan…so I guess that's a total of 6 times by now. Hee hee. I had to lay on the table for an additional 30 minutes. Mark then dropped me off at acupuncture again. I had a longer session this time, and even passed out on the table. Then, we proceeded home where I was couch bound for 2 whole days.
I go in for my beta pregnancy test on September 21, but I will be testing at home on the 20th. Please cross everything that the 5th shot is the lucky one!!
Monday, September 7, 2009
FET is On.
Got the call from the embryologist this morning. Out of the 5 embies that were thawed, 4 survived. And, out of those 4, 3 look really good. We told the embryologist that if tomorrow morning, we still only have 3 good ones, we would go ahead and transfer all 3. I'm nervous, but very excited. I hope that the cocktail that we introduced this cycle of no meds, LIT and acupuncture do the trick.
I'm going to acupuncture at 9:20 and then straight to Cooper for a 10:30 am transfer, then it's back to acupuncture. After that, I'm camping out on the couch for the next 48 hours.
I'm going to acupuncture at 9:20 and then straight to Cooper for a 10:30 am transfer, then it's back to acupuncture. After that, I'm camping out on the couch for the next 48 hours.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Too Many Drugs!!
Got the call on Friday that I am definitely a go for my Tuesday transfer. My lining was at a whopping 10mm. Woo hoo! I got the call to start a million drugs on saturday morning. I'm taking my estrace 3xs a day, progesterone suppositories 2xs a day, antibiotics 2xs a day, medrol daily, and a nice big 2cc intramuscular shot in my ass every night. Woo hoo!
We find out on Monday how the embies are doing, and what time our Tuesday transfer is.
So, to be continued....
We find out on Monday how the embies are doing, and what time our Tuesday transfer is.
So, to be continued....
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
UGH!!!!
Ugh. That's the theme of my infertility journal. I swear, nothing goes smoothly. We have hit a speed bump with every single cycle we have done. I'm getting very frustrated.
The latest speed bump: I went in for my cd16 blood work and ultrasound appointment. The key for this is to check your lining to see if it's ready for the transfer. Well, my lining pattern was IE, which according to the tech was fine. My lining was 8mm. The nurse called to tell me my test results from the morning…and my estrogen was over 2000. The doctor wants to see my lining thicken up…but, since my estrogen is so high, they can't up my estrace dosage. Great! So, I go back on Friday in the hopes that my lining thickens.
Here is what totally frustrates me. I know people who have had successful transfers with a lining of 8mm, and their doctors didn't think anything of it. And, I'm doing acupuncture, which is supposed to help with this stuff. I've had my moments of doubt with my current acupuncturist (as he hasn't done half of what my old acupuncturist did), and now I'm starting to think the whole acupuncture experience has been a complete waste of time and $$.
Who did I piss off in a past life…seriously?
The latest speed bump: I went in for my cd16 blood work and ultrasound appointment. The key for this is to check your lining to see if it's ready for the transfer. Well, my lining pattern was IE, which according to the tech was fine. My lining was 8mm. The nurse called to tell me my test results from the morning…and my estrogen was over 2000. The doctor wants to see my lining thicken up…but, since my estrogen is so high, they can't up my estrace dosage. Great! So, I go back on Friday in the hopes that my lining thickens.
Here is what totally frustrates me. I know people who have had successful transfers with a lining of 8mm, and their doctors didn't think anything of it. And, I'm doing acupuncture, which is supposed to help with this stuff. I've had my moments of doubt with my current acupuncturist (as he hasn't done half of what my old acupuncturist did), and now I'm starting to think the whole acupuncture experience has been a complete waste of time and $$.
Who did I piss off in a past life…seriously?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Nervous Nelly
Ok, the nerves are really starting to creep in. I go in tomorrow morning for my blood work and ultrasound appointment. If my estradiol levels and lining look good, the embryologist will begin the thaw. We currently have 5 embies on ice. I'm really hoping that we have enough to do 2 FETs (if necessary). I'm just really nervous that either all/most of the embies will arrest before the transfer, or that something will be wrong with my results from tomorrow.
I always get very very nervous before an egg retrieval and an egg transfer. We are hoping that this is the lucky cycle. I'm med free, doing acupuncture, and had our lymphocyte immunotherapy treatment a couple of weeks ago. So, on it's face, this should be the lucky cycle. Still, I'm extremely nervous that something will go wrong : (
I always get very very nervous before an egg retrieval and an egg transfer. We are hoping that this is the lucky cycle. I'm med free, doing acupuncture, and had our lymphocyte immunotherapy treatment a couple of weeks ago. So, on it's face, this should be the lucky cycle. Still, I'm extremely nervous that something will go wrong : (
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